It’s that time of year again.
I’m getting restless.
Anxious, excited, happy, depressed, irritable, yet focused.
Still hoping and waiting for love to come about.
I have impatiently waited these many years for Ms. Right to make an appearance.
It hasn’t happened.
I have taken some stupid detours, and poor decisions have diverted true progress.
I have been hurt.
I have unintentionally hurt a few.
I have learned many valuable lessons.
I have met some beautiful women.
I have made new friends.
At the same time I feel that I have become jaded and cynical, I am filled with hope and optimism.
The hardest pill to swallow is the erosion of my wide-eyed innocence, but it is necessary. No more Santa Clause or Easter Bunny. No more sappy Hollywood romances. No more letting my heart completely rule the day. It’s time for my adult mind to guide the way.
I was looking back through some of my old e-mail correspondence today.
With the assistance of some very wonderful single friends (RR, ESM) I have analyzed, philosophized, and studied relationships from top to bottom.
It's amazing that I don't know more than I do.
I should be able to write the book.
At this point, I am often as confused as ever.
I consider myself to be a passionate person.
It’s difficult for passionate people to find healthy, fulfilling relationships.
In my opinion, the ideal relationship for me would be one where I can't wait to see her, or talk to her, and she feels the same way about me.
I'm not certain that this is possible, because it involves letting go of self, and risking becoming truly interconnected.
This goes against everything that our culture shoves down our throat.
We are supposed to be strong and independent.
We are not supposed to depend on another person to achieve happiness and fulfillment.
In light of my personal inability to engage a healthy relationship, perhaps seeking a situation that provides the milk without needing to purchase the cow would be a potential solution for filling the gaps. I could approach it as a form of training. I could keep my kissing muscles in tip-top shape.
The problem is that this never works for a passionate person.
It only works for the "Woody Allen" brain dead. (see embedded YouTube clip)
I have attempted to engage this type of relationship in the past.
On one hand it was accommodating and liberating, but it ultimately became boring and uninteresting.
I am becoming more and more convinced that there are three types of available, single people out there.
1. The unfeeling or disinterested. 65%
2. The passionate gone crazy or numb. 34%
3. The grounded passionate. 1%
As you can see, the odds are stacked against me.
I am tired of placing effort into the "emotionally unavailable", or attempting to have some of my needs met in a "casual relationship". These are Band-Aids at best. These types of engagements prolong the inevitable, and are ultimately misdirected effort. Time ticks away. Exertion is expended. Treading water in the pool of life is the image that comes to mind.
God, I am so tedious. I am picky and this leads to a measure of isolation. How could I ever expect someone to be willing to deal with this person that I am? I live in a continual state of self examination. I guess…. if rejection and failure builds character, then I have a ton of character in my bank account. I change those things that I can, and I stick to my values and boundaries regarding those things that are important to me.
So, where is the hope and optimism? It exists in the fact that I know myself better than at any other time in my life. I have tested the limits of what I am able to accommodate, and this has resulted in a clear understanding of my boundaries. I surrender myself to the fact that I have little to no control over my destiny, with regard to finding the elusive Ms. Right, and providence will prevail in the end. All I can do is be open to what life presents, and let the chips fall where they may.
Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I think that I can actually see something truly incredible. In the mean time……..
Maybe she will find me this fall.
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